Tahājjūd - a love story

I’ve learned hard this year.

With new years a few days away, i’ve learned Allah’s way of giving. I’ve learned what it means to hold onto His rope. What it means to “Tie your camel and trust in Allah.” The importance of a request and its answer. The importance of Tahajjud - the late-night prayer. a designated time often so forgotten in the haze of slumber and dreams. A love story formed between God and me. A knot of trust, tied between the heavens and me.

I have spent the last few weeks plowing through harsh academic deadlines, second examinations and review quizzes. Sifting through career plans with Abu on the phone, a hollow uncertainty swinging like a pendulum. Blaring questions as I met with my friends and their frightful eyes glared back at me, as if searching for relatability and some hope that we got it all together,

“Have you started this? Have you begun studying for this quiz?”

“No. Not yet. Well- a little bit.. I just have a lot on my plate so haven’t been doing that well .. ”

“What have you thought about? What are you planning after your degree?”

“I’ll search Papa. I’ll do istikhara. There are a lot of options.”

The sand quickens, pulling me in. Dread washes over me as the once igniting light within me fades,

“What will happen to me …”

“What do I want?”

“Is what I want .. really what I want?”

“Everyone seems to know what they want ..”

“But what do you want, Fatima?”

I don’t know. At the moment, I simply don’t know.

The alarm blares in my ear and my eyes shot open. My hand reaches for the phone and shuts it off. The bright light instantly making my eyes squint. 4:15 AM. An hour away from Fajr.

I push myself to a sitting position, eyes still mustered in the carriage of sleep. I peer through the blinds and shut off the window. Getting up for prayer in winter is the real jihād - the real struggle against one’s self. But I had asked God to setup this meeting. He did His work in waking me up. So why should I be the one who is late? I make my way to the bathroom, feet cold against the marble floor. I caution myself. Readying for a surprise of whether I had turned the boiler on after my last prayer or not. I twist the tap and warm water embraces my skin. It will do. Alhamdulillah. - All Praise be to Allah.

I perform my ablution, the warm water slowly washing away the excess slumber. I spread my prayer mat and wear my prayer dress.

“Allahu akbar” I say as my hands reach my ears and then I cross them across my chest. The darkness around me soothing, sending a relaxed feeling in my limbs. After I had prayed my two rāk’āh - my two units of prayer, I sat cross legged, gazing upwards, in the dark ceiling. My mind fixated that I am facing the Kā’bāh, the Holy House which means, I am facing Allah who is in the Heavens. I slowly lower my head, emotions lining up - a formal dialogue generating. For crying out loud, He’s GOD. ALLAH! He knows. No. Out of respect I don’t begin talking immediately. I cup my hands and first foremost, say my thanks with using His Beautiful Names that I can remember. Ar-Razzaq, the Provider, Ar-Rahman, The Most Merciful .. recently I learned His name Ash-Shakoor - the Most Appreciative. I begin to count my blessings and continue to give thanks and then, just sitting there. In the quiet ambiance, I begin,

“Ya Allah .. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know why I started this journey .. I don’t know anymore .. I have forgotten or it has been replaced .. I don’t know. Everything seems to dark, so far away. But You have been so Kind to me. You always have. I know You have great plans for me. I know that. Just as of now, I don’t know where to stir. I don’t know where to look, what to do. Who to ask so I ask You. I want to befriend You. I want to only rely on You. People only add to my miseries. Only make me worry more. What else do I do? Who else do I run to? It’s funny. At the end, we always come back to You. You gave strength to me when I thought about giving up. You made me hold my head high as I trampled through life’s dark forests and I knew I’d see the sun .. I knew I’d find light. But right now, I have lost my way. Guide me and keep my loved ones safe Ya Hafeez - the Protector. Ya Rabbi - grant me one last strength to endure this all and grant me understanding of what is all in my heart and my eyes and my mind. Why do I feel so alone and lonely though I have everyone. Good ones. I know You will grant me what I am asking. You always have. There’s no doubt about it.” I finish by sending salam to Rasool Allah - The Messenger of Allah, Muhammad Sallallahu Alahy Wassalam - may peace and blessings be upon him and lower my hands. I bend forward, resting my head against the soft mat. “Ya Rabbi .. please make it easy.” I say as I feel my shoulders relax, my racing heart now beating slower.

To Fatima and to anyone reading this, implement the night prayer into your hustle and bustle. Implement it whenever you feel like you need to realign your compass. It’s a feeling unmatched. It’s an arrow that never misses its target. If its target is sūkoon - peace.

With love,

Fatima.

look how pretty these firethorn plants look.